I want to….

I want to do so many things, i wish to learn everything there is here to learn, it is as if this is only life.

Ha imagine, not waking back up, no this could not be it-to spend majority of my days in a cloud of judgement not ever getting anywhere worthwhile. Could i believe this to true, to be the only fact of the matter that really has any real influence on my tired life.

I do not have many nice things, in fact i actually have almost nothing of today’s tangible materials- and it feels sort of satisfy, when i can get over the fact that i am almost at the same financial gains after 20 years of hard labour, what the actual fuck, did i drink to much, did i eat to much, i have not barely lived and for i have lived a decrepit life so far, with too much focus on acting a certain way and treating people a certain way, thou they do not seem to treat me with the same graciousness.

Maybe every single thought, fear and feeling is uncontrolled and irrelevant, if so well so be it and without doubt this note will be also.

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